Les Deux

I keep trying to write about my overall experience having two kids, but I'm so busy being exhausted by it all. And then it changes before I can finish a thought on any post I'm working on.


That post on how I was going to be a good mom? I was actually mostly over that by the time I posted it, but I'd spent so much time trying to get it done that I decided I was publishing it as it was... Maybe next year I'll post a followup about what I'm thinking now.

The first month was hard. The thought of being alone with both of them seemed a ridiculous proposition. Adam was home the first two weeks, and then my mom was in and out the following two weeks. And any time I was alone with the kids all three of us would end up in tears.

It didn't help that as soon as my milk came in I got thrush. Luckily I knew what it was right away and started working on it, but it still took about a month for it to go away. So every feeding was extremely painful and of course she was eating a lot then. My neck and shoulders were sore from tensing up every time she started "hunting." Then Gus would come over and try to tug on her head, and the pain of that paired with the fact that he was tugging on my newborn's head made me crazy.

It was all I could do not to rip his head off and I desperately wished for a toddler break. And, yes, I also felt awful because I knew he needed extra attention and affirmation and I just wanted him to go away. And I felt guilty because instead of enjoying Lucia's newness, I just kept wishing we were at the three month mark when she'd smile at me and the thrush would be gone and we wouldn't have to change diapers all night long.

Turns out I only needed to get to six weeks. Sometime during week five, she smiled and I realized the pain was gone and we started being able to co-sleep through the night (she still feeds once or twice a night, but it's no big deal).


Around that time, my worst fear was realized: We ran out of milk and bananas (a Major Crisis in this house) and I was forced to grocery shop by myself with both kids.

It actually wasn't that bad.

And since then it's been hills and valleys. I'll manage to do something I was nervous about or a day will just go really smoothly and I'll think oh, I'VE SO GOT THIS. That's right, two kids--bring it! Always the next day is awful. Or maybe the morning will be great and the afternoon awful. I just can't sustain the highs. If we've been preternaturally productive, somebody will shoot poo up the back of their shirt, or there will be an injury, or even worse--they will both wake up from their naps at the same time, which means that while there was some blessed nap overlap, I will pay dearly. That's just how it goes.

And every day there's at least one Sophie's Choice moment around here where both kids are crying and I can only help one.

When I was pregnant and Gus was a more unsteady toddler, I felt like God was really working on patience with me. We were so, so slow. Little things took two or three times as long as they would if I were on my own (and not pregnant). It was so frustrating to me, and the thought of how long things would take when there were two of them would send me to tears.

Funny thing is, that is not my issue now. Things do take forever. If we're going to meet up with some friends for a picnic lunch, I basically start getting ready for that as soon as we wake up. It takes hours. But I don't really care because just the fact that I can get both littles out of the house by myself seems amazing.

It's really helped that I've started the "homeschool preschool" "curriculum" (and, yes, all the air quotes are necessary); Gus and I now have fun together doing age-appropriate activities for him and I enjoy teaching him and seeing what it is he picks up on. I find that schedule and discipline help me to actually do the things I want to do instead of just thinking about them, and with a new baby that's become even more true. And the discipline issues with Gus have improved greatly, so I think he likes it too.

In conclusion, I have two gorgeous kids. I'm richly blessed. Some day I'll look back and miss these times. I can rest in heaven.